The past year has been the best year of my life AND somehow the worst year of my life, all at once. I honestly don't even know where to begin.... all I can think of right now is the beginning of A Tale of Two Cities:
"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair..."
That has been my recent season of life. Let me explain.
"It was the best of times...the season of Light, the spring of hope"
First of all, almost a year ago, my husband and I had our first baby. He's the best thing that ever happened to us, and every day with him is amazing. Watching him grow over the past year has been a true honor, and each day/week/month is even better than the last.
We also found out that we're expecting our second son in a few months, which just adds to the excitement and happiness of our lives! Our family is growing. My husband is an amazing father. My son is a sweet angel. And my womb-baby is on his way, and I can't wait.
"It was the worst of times...the season of Darkness, the winter of despair"
While I should be celebrating life with my new son and my pregnancy (and have been doing my absolute best, despite everything else), this season has also brought the hardest things I've ever had to go through in my life so far.
First, there's a global pandemic going on. This in itself is not personally impacting me as greatly as some others out there, but it certainly is not making life any easier. There is some added stress and concern for the unknown, but otherwise, this by itself is not making this season the hardest of my life.
Second, and most significantly, I'm having serious family issues right now. Not with my husband or my children, but with my core family that I always thought would be there and love me unconditionally no matter what - my mom and only brother.
I can't share the details of the entire situation right now, but I hope to be able to in the future because writing these posts are part of my thinking and healing processes, but in short, my family has been broken.
I've seen people who stop talking to their parent(s) or their sibling(s), and I always wonder, "how do you get to that point?" What could possibly happen in a family, especially a family that has always been so close previously, to cause a complete foundational crashing? Unfortunately, I now know the answer to that.
What's crazy is, I never thought that could happen to us. I never imagined my life without my mom or my brother in it. I always imagined that my children would have their grandma (who we call Nonna) and their uncle in their lives. We always say that we are the core, we are the three musketeers. We've been through so much together (and again, one day I may post about some of that, as well), but we always get through it -- together. But this time, I'm not sure that we'll get through it. Too much damage has been done, and so much hurt has been caused. It's hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel.
As a Christian, I know that I'm called to extend grace and forgiveness. I know that. I'm trying my hardest to figure out how to do this. When you've been hurt so badly, though, it's extremely difficult to wrap your mind around giving completely undeserved grace and forgiveness to your accusers, especially when there have been zero efforts towards resolution or apologies made. I want to be able to give grace and forgive. I know that would not only be good for our relationships, but it would also be good for me personally - my soul. But it's so hard! Maybe in time, I'll find a way to do this. Maybe in time they will see the error and sin of their ways and apologize, though I know I cannot and should not expect it. I know that Jesus died for me when I didn't deserve it. I know that I should be better and stronger in this situation than I am, but I'm also human. And I'm having a really hard time seeing how my family will ever be put back together, or if that's something I even want.
Because the thing is, it's not just me anymore. It's one thing to hurt me but it's another thing to hurt me and involve my husband and my children. I am a wife and a mother, and I have to protect my family from as much as I can. I don't want my children to grow up in a toxic or mentally unstable environment or with people that cause that. I know it all too well, and it's not healthy. I now have to make decisions on their behalf and for their well-being, and not just my own.
And to some degree, I feel guilty for involving my husband in the drama and stress of my family. This is not what he signed up for (well, I suppose in marriage, he kind of did, but still). My family is my family and my issue, and my poor husband now has to deal with all of that. I know that it is our job as spouses to support each other through it all, no matter what. But I can't help but feel bad for him in this situation.
I guess I just don't know what to do or how to move forward. I have been praying like crazy. I know that it's more important than ever to have faith through times of trouble. I've also been trying to ask God what good he's doing or planning through this horrible time in my life, rather than asking things like "Why is this happening?" or "Why me?" I'm trying to see His plan through it all, but I haven't figured it out yet. I do have hope in that, if nothing else.
So for now, I'll end with a bible verse and a prayer. I ask you for your prayers through this time, and if anyone else is going through a similar situation, I will be praying for you. Because I get it. This is tough. Life is tough sometimes. And navigating the waters of a family break-up is not easy.
Revelation 21:4
"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death' or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."
My Prayer for Healing - May 25, 2020
Jesus, I know that you are with my in this difficult time. While I'm in pain, crying, and mourning the loss of my core family, I know that you are with me, and I'm praying that I see your plan for me in this situation. I know that the old order of things has passed away, in so many ways - in my family, in the world with this pandemic, in my life now having children. It's all the "new normal" that people are talking about. And I pray that you guide me and my husband and our children through this current "new normal" to the future "new normal." Because I know nothing will ever be the same. But I hope that, with You, we'll find ways for it to be better, instead of the same or worse. I pray for the wisdom to understand this situation more deeply and the courage to take the necessary action because of it. I pray for the strength to give grace and forgiveness, even when it's not deserved. I pray for healing, and for hope. I pray for my husband and our son. I pray for my growing baby and that he's developing healthy and safe despite the emotional and stressful environment that my belly is currently providing. I pray for my mom and my brother, that the evil that is working in them be dispelled. I pray that one day, we can resolve all of this. Because I don't want to become an old woman looking back on life and regretting not having a relationship with my mom or brother. There has to be a way through this, and I pray that you show me that way. Lead me with the Light. In your name, I pray, Jesus. AMEN.
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Hi! I’m so happy to have found your blog! I’m passionate about scripture too. I have a son and he is a teenager now. I have walked through something like what you are going through with family issues. Prayer and God’s direction is what gets me through the sad times.